I'm Back.

Wow, it's been a really long time since that last time i have been on here, let alone posted something.

I'd like to see that i am doing better with my battle against my eating disorder, but sadly, i have to admit that it has gotten worse, worse then before.

I just don't get it.

Everytime i look at myself, whether it be in the mirror or a photo, i look at least 3 times bigger then i did. Yet my clothes will fill looser. How does that work? Why can't i see what everyone else does? 

Again i have wondered and asked these questions to myself, many many times. I really am not sure what to do any more. But get some kind of mental and physical health.

Simply, this new thing that i look way bigger, is dangerous to myself. It's putting me in overdrive with not eating and thinking of more drastic measures. 

My family & friends have stated i have gotten thinner, yet why do i see opposite?


Apart from that issue.

I am learning to be happier, letting things that have hurt me in my past, finally heal and find new outlets. I have had a beautiful summer, not warm, but full of happy adventures and memories. I have been fulfilling my love for Hiking & Photography, which has made me very happy. As well as giving me new insight as to a new path in my life i'd like to start. 

I would love to hear from some of you that i used to talk to on here, you were all so caring and kind to me, it really helped me alot to have people to talk to. 

I will post a newer picture as well of myself, also, if any of you have facebook, feel free to send me a message and i'll add you. I am new to facebook, so still learning how to use it. 
 

(no subject)

I know I haven't posted on a long time.. I have been having such a hard time gettingvover this eating thing, which I thought I could beat but I failed. Nothing I do seems to matter.

Why doesn't something happen to show me reality?

I'm underweight, yet I still get my period. It seems that all i do is wrong and makes seem worse.

I just don't get it.

(no subject)

 Haven't posted in a couple of days.

Been feeling okay i guess.
Just kind of taking one day at a time.
Been pretty busy with school, which i am happy to say is going well.
I am closer to finishing my degree, which makes me feel pretty amazing.

As far as with my weight, nothing has changed there.
I'm still incredibly upset and confused by the scale reading, still don't know what to think.
I mean, if it was right and i had gained that much, would i really still be able to fit into 00's and have them be baggy?
It just really doesn't seem logical. Sorry, i know i have said this before, and i sound like a broken recored, i still am just confused and not sure how to take it really.
I had a friend, who when they were at a low weight, had a scale that was always, like 10 pounds off, of what they really weighed.
So i don't know, maybe since i bought mine and it had 2 people saved, maybe it was that off?
Plus i bought it at wally world (walmart) and they were all opened.

So i am just curious
I always eat something small before i head to workout, then i don't eat til i get home, which is usually at like 11 pm.
Just wondering, if there is anyone else there that is kinda like me? That doesn't eat til late?

Kinda depressing, i see almost everywhere in the states is getting snow!!
We didn't get any snow here at all! None! All we have gotten here is rain, and cold.
I mean, it is somewhat usual whether for Seattle, but still, just a day of snow, would have been nice!!

Also, went to the mall yesterday to shop.
Man it sucks, being a poor College student!!
There's soooooo many things i want!
I did however find some cute things on sale, which is always awesome!
I love sales!
 

(no subject)

 i really don't know what to do anymore..no matter what the fuck i do, nothing changes. no matter how much i restrict my calories even less or how much more i work out, i don't lose weight. i don't get it. i can't take it anymore.i really can't. the last time i felt this shitty and suicidal was when my ex bf. who beat me, was stalking me...i just want to be happy, to wake up and not haev to worry about my clothes being tighter. i want to look in the mirror and see myself, as everyone says i look, so i can move on with my life, instead of wasting it with being so depressed...i just don't get how i can gain weight, it just dosn't make logical sense.. for the past week my calorie in take has been under 250 and i have been working out harder, but still no difference. i really don't get it. all i see is that i am gaining weight, not losing. i feel so depressed and alone.

(no subject)

 Okay, so yesterday i posted some "new pictures" of myself.
A couple responses noted that i don't have any Full body pictures.

Well, i really don't like taking pictures of myself, simply because it makes me more depressed, when i have to look at my body in general. 
So i am going to post a couple pictures, but they are older.

This first picture, is well, yeah i am half naked, though i censored my boobies, hehe. This is from 1 & 1/2 year ago when i was in Germany. My weight was about 115-120. And the second is also when i was in Germany, but of my face. 

These next pictures are from when i first came back from Germany, so almost a year ago now. I was a size 1 in these pictures. You can see my pants & tank top were already a little baggy. Also, will post one of my face as well.


So now, i would like to know, if you all see a difference from then....til now. Going off of my last post of new pictures from yesterday. Or if i look the same. because this is my problem. I see the exact same thing, like when i look at my body, i see the same thing as it always has. I DONT see any bones or too skinny or anything. 
I'd like Honest feedback :)

(no subject)

 Okay, i am posting some New pictures of myself. 
I would really appreciate Honest feedback.
Would love for you to give an estimate on How much you think i weigh!!
I have been torn apart emotionally, since my last incident with the "walmart" scale, i still don't really know what to think. Either i am just lucky by getting "big sizes" of 0's and 00's. Or i am delusional and losing my mind. Which very well could be possible, since my counselor stated i have very irrational thinking and views about How i actually look.

So, these first couple pictures are me in my 00's pants, which are actually baggy. Which, i think makes my thighs look even bigger then they are. Oh and excuse my creepy vainy which hands, lol. 
The next photos are of me in shorts that i bought from American Eagle. I bravely bought xx-small
and they actually fit and are baggy. Let me know what you think. I think my thighs are still huge, but yeah. 


And these next 2 pictures are of me in my skull pants that i got when i was in Germany, there an Xsmall. I really like them. One picture is just of my leg, and the other is of my waist/hips. Which weirdly, in the picture, i actually look kinda small! Oh and i took these pictures with my webcam. Again, be on honest.

And one more that i took with my webcam, just of my thigh, which i think looks huge!

AndAn

(no subject)

 
 Here are some recent pictures of me that i took with my cell phone.
These are of me in my 00's that have become baggier then they were. Though they make my thighs look hugs, since they have become baggier there to. And i posted 2 of my face, sorry i don't have makeup on, and i look pretty crappy! lol 
Please, let me know your thoughts as well, as long as your honest :)

(no subject)

 
So it is that "time of the month" for me, which i am always utterly unhappy & depressed when that comes around.i really thought that i had lost more weight, and was hoping, even though it sounds fucked up, that i would not get my period. my 00's have gotten way loser and i have felt a lot thinner, but now i am just pissed off and confused. i guess maybe my body has enough fat, or it's just use to it. i guess i thought being at such a low weight, would make me miss it. i talked with my counselor about the whole period thing, and she said the same, some people lose it and some don't. so i guess to sum it up, i am just bitching. i have felt like complete shit the past few days. i hate being this emotional, and it's in way overdrive now, because i was already depressed before. now every second i feel like i wanna hang myself. my body aches all over. i have been increasing my workouts, even though my counselor told me to decrease them and my calorie intake has been even lower. plus i am just honestly really lonely. honestly, i have like no friends. i have alienated myself, and i lost a couple of my friends, because they thought i was on drugs with how i looked. i have just been really sad, unhappy depressed, on top of all the other things in my life that i am trying to get help, healed with. i don't know what to do lately, i hate feeling this way. i am going to post some pictures of me on my journal as well, since i have not done that in awhile.well, sorry for the bitch/rant, i hope all of you are well
 

(no subject)

 So, had Counseling today, which went okay.
She wants me to cut back my exercising and is concerned on how low my calorie intake is. 

The past few days i have been having less then 300 calories. 
Couple days it was under 200. 

The past days, i think i had maybe lost a little weight, but ehhh today, feel like i gained it all back.
Bought some new 00 pants the other day, which i honestly didn't think would fit, because i was feeling like i had gained weight.
And they did and were even baggy.

Today, i have been feeling like i do before my "Period"
which really sucks. 
I haven't weighed myself in awhile, but i am assuming i am still around the same weight.
At least 90 or below i guess. 

I am still convinced that i am perfectly healthy. 

I know some stop getting there period and some don't. 
Everyone's different.

I am in the 2nd week of school now, so far so good, but it's still the begining.

How are the rest of you doing?
Enjoying your week so far?